Chuck and Hank

Monday, July 1, 2013

My Brain vs. My Brain

There was a time, back in 2004, when I did this parenting thing completely on my own terms. I was the only one I knew with a baby. Sometime after I gave birth to Charlie, I remember a friend convincing me to join MySpace. {Ha ha. MySpace.} So, this was even before I had entered the world of social media. God, that makes it seem like 2004 was eons ago! But once I was on MySpace, I found no other mothers there. Oddly, those "loner" years, I remember as some of my easiest of parenting. The years when there was no one else showing me what to do -- and no one else to compare myself to.

Except for the moms at the park. I'd compare myself to them - but in a way where I did not at all feel inferior. They were all 10-15 years older than me and constantly saying things like, "Use you words." in soft voices while their kids continued to throw sand in their faces. I found those moms incredibly obnoxious and would roll my eyes. Ugh. "Moms in their thirties," I'd think. "How sad. They're WAY too into their parenting. They probably read all the books and get very worried over what they say in them."

Oh, how I long for those years of 23 year old parenting back. It was so carefree. All I ever thought about was how much I adored Charlie. That was all that mattered and all I needed to know. It led the way for us.

Now I find that so many times, I fail - in my mind - as a parent. But why??? Why am i constantly disappointed in myself? I adore my children. Like, well-up-with-tears adore them. That was enough in 2004. Why is it leaving me feeling like such a failure in 2013??

I think we, as moms, and as women, are plagued with this onslaught of social media where our parenting, and our lives, are put out in front of the world and we compare and compare and compare ourselves to determine where we fit. Do we fit? Are we doing it "right"? I think that social media has made parenting SO. MUCH. HARDER.

A few weeks ago, I was over my children. Over. Them. I needed to work. Hub was out of town on business so I knew there was no relief in sight. And everytime I'd sit down to work, someone needed a snack or a drink or to go potty or to just tell me the same thing over and over again and to remind me that I had promised to take them to the park and hadn't done that yet and then, holy crap, it was the middle of the afternoon and I'd started 15 separate tasks but finished nothing! And those are the times when "it" happens. My kids broke into that "omg, you're driving me nuts, get out of my face!" space in my brain -- which all moms know, sits in a very sad corner of the "GUILT GUILT GUILT!!!" part of the brain. Which, when the two mix, that is when the pressure of being a "bad mom" creeps in and overtakes it all.

So, you go on Facebook to find a friend, to release the built up pressure, to relate. But instead, the first thing you see in your feed is Supermom. You know her. She's the one who is homeschooling and today, they're baking cookies while discussing Mozart while an organic, GMO-free dinner with VEGETABLES bakes in the oven. Oh, bad words. Damn you, Supermom. Damn you, Facebook. Damn you, wonderful, amazing, awful Facebook. And Supermom.

Forget the cookies, I'm supposed to make dinner too!?!? Even though dinner is something that happens EVERYDAY, I always forget about it. But Supermom doesn't. Nooooooo. She remembers dinner. And her children actually eat it without being threatened that they have to go to bed if they don't. Bad words, bad words, bad words!!!! I suck. I suck. I SUCK!!!!!!

I am ripped of all the memories of all the wonderful things I have ever done with my kids. My brain fills with thoughts of my suckiness. I suddenly can't remember to give myself a break because I run a business in addition to my mommy duties. I can't remember that yesterday I took them to a museum or that I orchestrated a fabulous birthday party a week ago because all I see is that today, they watched a lot of TV when they should have had all my attention and we should've made cookies!!! Supermom made cookies!!! And I didn't!!!! Ten years ago, on the rare occasion I'd be in the same space as her, Supermom made me feel badly for her and all her unnecessary overparenting and worry. Now, Supermom makes me insane. Supermom makes me feel like SuperSuck.

It was on that day, those few weeks back, where all of this happened exactly as I've described and I was spiraling downwards. So much to do. No time. Work deadlines approaching. My brain was consumed with stress and thoughts of unfinished laundry. And the kids wanted to eat, again. And that was annoying me. Why do they always want to eat?? And play outside? And fight over the same stupid piece of plastic? I remember this day as horrible. I remember being a terrible mom that day who scary-screamed more than I'd like to admit and said "Go play! Go find something else to do!" all too many times. If you asked me about this day, I'd have told you that I was a failure on that day. It was a "bad mom" kind of day. It was a day when a Supermom, I was not.

And then I found these photos in Lightroom. All from that day.

The evidence of my motherhood from that day looks like this.

Henry is a stage five clinger. He wants to be on top of me or directly next to me at all times. Annoyed that he was following me from room to room, I started a game of throwing the laundry from the upstairs balcony down to him below to de-pressure the battle between task vs. attention. We now do it every time I have laundry and it's one of our favorite things.

And he loves to be independent and do things by himself. This has always caused a battle between us because he will flip out if he cannot figure out how to do something. So, that day, I started letting him dump the baskets of clothes into the machine. And he loves it. And I love the tippy toes.

And when their Daddy is away on business, they sleep in my bed with me. It's a tradition that they love. And clearly, even on this crazy day when I felt so down on myself, here I was photographing them in the dark instead of tucking myself in for much needed sleep because they are just so cute and wonderful. And because I love them to death.

If this is what that day actually looked like, then I am struck with the realization that Supermom is all in my head. It's not Supermom or Facebook's fault. Or Pinterest's. {let's just lump that asshole of a "you-don't-measure-up" webpage in there with them all, too}. It's mine. It's MY decision to feel like I am doing it wrong. It's my decision to freak out. It's my decision to focus on the parts that aren't pretty and taunting me and robbing me instead of cherishing and rising up to all the good times and the BEAUTY that is in our lives.

If this is what my motherhood looks like, then I'm clearly doing something right. Those two boys - well, sometimes they will have to watch a lot of TV. And sometimes I won't be able to finish the laundry. And sometimes I will shout "STOP IT!" many, many times during a day. And sometimes I will feed them pizza a few days in a row. And sometimes, this sort of day will repeat itself and I will lack patience and feel defeated, But, ALWAYS, I will love them and being their mom. So much. And that really is what makes a super mom.

Deep breaths. They are ok. I am ok.

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Thursday, June 27, 2013

Charlie's "Science Is Awesome" 9th Birthday Party

Don't all things begin with a desperate need to buy themed vintage stamps from an etsy shop???? How could I ever resist? :)

It's taken a while to blog Charlie's ninth birthday party because I was waiting until it was featured on Hostess with the Mostess which finally posted on the same day I flew to Boston WITHOUT my laptop! They had told me it would feature at the end of the month so I was not ready or prepared at all for a mid-June feature! And of course, I had to wait an additional five days to get home from B-town to even access my images! Crazy times! :)

I started planning Charlie's party back in November. The second Henry's Monster Party wrapped, my talented party-styling girlfriend, Rachel, wanted to know what was next. We asked Charlie to give us a theme to start working on -- and he said "LEGOS!!". That didn't really work for us. There are too many lego parties already out there. It might've taken a little persuasion to get him to decide that what he reeeally wanted was a chemistry party. :)

Rachel runs RV Parties with her BFF and partner, Victoria. They design the most adorable printables for pretty much any party theme. You can buy the science printables from this party as well the monster printables from Henry's party -- or a variety of many other themes - HERE at their etsy shop! You'll also see lots of my photography there. I'm their favorite professional photographer.

I was seriously & intensely proud of the large chalkboard that we used for our backdrop at the dessert table. I knew two things: 1., there was NO WAY that I could handwrite anything on any chalkboard and have it look adorable - not to mention, I'm way to OCD to have the font on a backdrop not completely match with the party design/font, and 2., I did NOT want to buy a new, giant chalkboard and then have no idea what to do with it when the party wrapped.

But, thats why engineering prints from Staples are the greatest thing in the whole wide world. Yes. You heard me. The greatest.

If you need something printed in a very large size (this one was 36x48) but don't want to pay your child's college tuition for it - and it happens to be a black and white image - then head to Staples. I had Rachel design a large print to look like a fake chalkboard and had it printed for $6. Then I tacked it to a corkboard that I already had hanging over my desk in my office. Perfect.

We had so many amazing treats on our dessert table!

Miss Lulu's Sweet Treats sent us the ~~cake pops~~ atoms on a stick. They are the best cake pops I've ever had in my entire life. No joke. I *might* have lied to a couple of the children who asked if they could have one and said they were for display only so there'd be a few leftover. And the chocolate-dipped Oreo Molecules were her idea and I looove how creative and perfectly themed they are!

And the amazing Jessica of J&J Bakeshop - local here in VA - provided us with the perfect cookies decorated to look like the element of Charlie!! She is so talented, y'all. I ordered specialty cookies from her for Christmas gifts last year and I encourage you all to find a reason to need cookies just to see what she can do!

And I made the cupcakes because I'm a cupcake snob now and can only eat the cake that my BFF, Mandie, makes or the cake my BFF, Mandie, taught me how to make.

I was also really proud of my party favor idea! Last summer, I taught Charlie the Mentos + Diet Soda reaction - read about it here - (so many links in this post!!). He loved it so much that I figured it should either be an experiment at the party or the favor! Since it's pretty messy and doesn't take very long to react, I figured, favor it is! I think it's always best to send the messy stuff home to the parents. Just like it's always best to serve the guests all the sugar RIGHT before the end of the party. :)

Did you know that lab coats are RIDICULOUSLY expensive?? And that even the costume ones for kids to play doctor and dress up with on Halloween don't even dip below $10 each?? As much as I wanted real lab coats that I'd have embroidered with guest names for the party, that's just plain insane and I could not encourage the market to continue to charge those prices! Harumph!!

Instead, I bought the 5-pack of two-sizes-too-large white undershirt tees from Target and cut them up the middle! Voila! Lab coats on the cheap!

I did splurge on party color lab goggles for about $3 each. Totally worth it. So cute.

And Charlie's adorable science shirt was a custom design by Ella Mella who rocks my world with their awesome kid's fashions.

And Henry's shirt was sent to us from Periodically Inspired! I just love how she smooshed periodic table elements together to form geeky-chic words. Henry's my precious little GeNiUS!! And a bit of a camera ham, too!

Once the house was decorated and the kids dressed, it was time to paaaaartay!

An amazing woman, Calsin, runs a business of bringing science, technology, engineering and mathemathics to parties and playdates and schools, oh my! She. Is. Awesome. She told me that if she didn't have her business, she'd set up a lab in her garage and experiment anyway! I loved it. That's how I feel about my photography. If there wasn't work, there'd STILL be pictures. Her business, STEM-KIDS, is such a great concept. Learning can be a BLAST (literally!) and parties don't have to lack brain power, either! Calsin can tailor the experiments for any party. I didn't want the party to cross sciences (OCD, much?) so everything had to stay in a "chemistry" theme. Duh. And, the experiments also needed to entertain eight very active nine year olds. Calsin knew just what to do -- MESSY, hands-on chemical reactions that would result in slime, exploding "elephant toothpaste" and a giant bowl full of smoky, bubbly dry ice!

EXPERIMENT #1: SLIME

The kids loved this. Calsin set up a table full of the necessary ingredients and as the kids started to mix everything together, it started forming ooey-gooey slime! After they finished squishing it in their fingers, we packed up their custom-colored slime in take home bags!

EXPERIMENT #2: ELEPHANT TOOTHPASTE

Whats better than seeing foamy goo grow and grow and grow, so much so that it spills up and out of a bottle and into a tray for you to play with it!? NOTHING!

Birthday boy was the first one to pour in the special ingredient to make the chemical reaction activate! He was SO excited!! And, um, he's also incredibly cute.

EXPERIMENT #3: SUBLIMATION DEMONSTRATION

I'm a creative. I photograph things. I can write fairly well. And I daydream great things. I enjoy and am awed by science but, I am no scientist. So, I have to admit that when Calsin said we'd do a "sublimation demonstration", I just blindly nodded my head like I had a clue what she was talking about.

Google and Wikipedia say that sublimation is "the transition of a substance directly from the solid to the gas phase without passing through an intermediate liquid phase." So, why the dry ice turned into a smoky gas without any water sneaking in between those phases, all makes sense now. (Can you tell I was concentrating on proper exposure and focus while she was explaining all of this to the kiddos???) Oy.

Adding in some dish washing liquid will create a giant bubble that will enclose the smoke inside of it and when it pops, the smoke explodes out! It's really fun and the kids obviously LOVED getting the chance to be the one to pop the bubble!

And then it was time to blow out the candles and for me to cry the weepy mama-cry because my baaaaaaby is NINE!!!

See the party with all our vendor info plus more of my wit and charm in describing the details (and more pictures!!) on the fabulous and well-followed Hostess with the Mostess blog HERE.

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Thursday, June 20, 2013

Last Day of School

Holy crap. I have a fourth grader. This is a BIG deal. I remember fourth grade. That was the year when I just couldn't stand reading Johnny Tremaine (boooooooring) so I skimmed it instead, then busted out a book report for the first time without actually having done the work (such.a.rebel). That was the year a new, cute boy came to our school and sat across from me and all I could think was that he was sooo annoying (two years later, I was head-over-heels in love with him). That was the year I first found out about the Titanic and made my mom drive me to the library so I could research all about it. (This was SEVEN years before the movie. I was totally ahead of my time). That was the year that my first friend got her first period and that was HUGE. That was the year that Mrs. Banks hid Reeses peanut butter cups in her drawer and she'd give you one if you had the hiccups. So, naturally, I faked hiccups all.the.time. That was the last year the teacher still read stories out loud to us after recess and I can remember Number the Stars by Lois Lowry almost perfectly.

Fourth grade. FOURTH GRADE! What is that!? How have I raised someone to the point that they are going to REMEMBER FOURTH GRADE!? I'm only 30, how do I have a fourth grader? Oh, crap. No, that's not even true, I'm 31. Damn it!

Look, I am not one of "those" moms. I don't helicopter. I don't want my children to like me so much that I can't control them. I don't fill their schedules so they won't ever be bored. I don't cater to them - much. But I am head over heels for them. And the last day of school is one of those times that gets to me every year where I become a weepy, reflective mess of a mommy. What is it about your first child that it's almost impossible to think about them growing up without seeing that teeny tiny little bundle you held in your arms, freshly new to life, as your heart just about exploded out of your chest? I just can't believe that it's been nine years since I stared down at those big brown eyes for the first time and realized that my life would be completely different - and 5000 times more amazing - with him in it.

I just can't believe that he's as tall as my shoulder, has big front teeth and wants gel in his hair because it looks cool. I just can't believe that he will choose to watch baseball by himself and talk about all that baseball stuff with his dad like it's their own foreign language. I can't believe that he will empty the dishwasher, take out the recycling, make his own lunch and occasionally, tell me "no!" even though he knows the consequences. I can't believe he thinks his own brilliant thoughts and has his own brilliant opinions.

I can't believe that in three short months, he's going to fourth grade.

I just can't believe it.

My God, he's handsome.

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On the last day of school, the other room mom and I brought pizza for their class lunch while they watched a movie and signed yearbooks. The teacher had allowed them to sit next to whomever they chose and all the boys were in a row, sandwiched between two rows of girls. I watched Charlie as he giggled to his friend, Cal, begged for extra pizza, and accepted attention confidently as the class called out to him as the tiger in Swiss Family Robinson came on screen, since it was his assigned animal from their big research and presentation project.

I watched and I could see... he's happy. He's a really good, really happy kid. My heart is still as full as it was when I first met him. I love him so much. I love every single thing about him. And I am so proud.

And when I watch him, I still see him with those same brand-new-mama eyes. I marvel at him. I am amazed by him. Tears flood to my eyes if I think about it too much. It's an overhwleming, all-consuming love. I still don't really understand how or why he came to me back in those days when I was so young and had no clue about a thing, but my God! I am so grateful. I am so grateful that he is in my life. And I am in his.

And, as has become our new tradition, the last day of school means there will be a water fight! Not only is it a wonderful treat for the kids to walk home to tons of loaded squirt guns and water balloons, but it also, momentarily, takes away all the sadness of that last day. I wrote about this last year and had many, many more pictures then. It was rainy this year so I had to pack away the DSLR and turn to instagram.

Henry was, as usual, adorable. Last year, the water fight made him cry, but this year he LOVED it. He just about attacked me to help fill the water balloons! So much so that every time I'd turn my head, he'd snatch one out of the bucket and smash it onto the driveway. I was baking a cake while filling balloons and when I walked inside for TWO SECONDS to turn the pans around, I came back out to find the neighbor had stopped his jeep to tattle on Henry for ransacking my bucket and throwing about 15 of our ammo into the street. Monster.

I'd love to be able to stop time. But since it's impossible to avoid last days, I'm just so lucky to be living these moments with these amazing boys.

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Friday, May 31, 2013

On Jenny

I haven't blogged in a while for a few reasons:

1. I didn't want to. It takes a long time.

2. I'm very busy having a pity party for myself that my best friend is moving away in two weeks. I've spent the last lots-of-days NOT blogging and instead, insisting she hang out with me every single second of every single day. I am holding a monopoly on Jenny right now because she is leaving me. And I really don't think she should. Her husband doesn't need that job in Louisiana. Ugh. Like steady income is sooooo important... Meh. Since when does paying for college tuitions and mortgages outweigh my awesome friendship?? If she really loved me, she'd take my advice and find a married senator here in DC to have a torrid & scandalous affair, then blackmail him for a Georgetown brick-front and a monthly stipend. But since she seems to think that brilliant idea of mine is unethical and immoral and she claims she loves her husband, I guess she is going to actually go through with this moving crap. On that note, no one is allowed near her for the next two weeks unless you don't mind hanging out with me, too -- while I cling desperately to her leg.

And 3. I've fallen head over heels in love with Glennon/Momastery and have been READING her book! I haven't finished the book yet because choosing to read is a luxury for me. When I am sitting and reading, I feel like I really should be writing myself or editing or tackling the three days of dishes chillin' in my sink instead. Reading a book is a big deal. Hence, it needs to be blogged. Just not in this post. Stay tuned. Momastery comes next.

This blog is about Jenny.

You see, since leaving North Carolina for college in Michigan, I have never lived near my family. I can't call my parents or Mike's in the middle of the night to help to watch one child while we run a feverish other child to the ER only to find out that he has a "just a virus". And yeah, there's no free babysitting. Ever. My sitter costs $10/hr and needs advanced notice. And guess what? If there's a Taylor Swift concert in town, you do NOT get to go out on that date you desperately need to escape the stage-five clingers because EVERY. SINGLE. TEENAGE. GIRL goes to that concert. There are no Sunday dinner traditions with our brother or sister and our precious niece and nephews. And mini kid-free vacations on Friday nights so we can drink way too much, make out and sleep in while the children are under the care of trustworthy family? Those don't happen either.

And this lack of close family is all ok. It's what we know. It's how we live. And I think we've made it through so easily and so very happily because we have been lucky enough to have made our own family.

Seven years ago, we pulled into the driveway of our new house in Beaumont, TX and looked directly across the street to see University of Michigan license plates. Turned out there was a family of Michigan alum working for the same company with it's very own redheaded Jennifer right across from us. And for some really amazing reason - my sanity, I believe - God has blessed us to stay neighbors for SEVEN years, five in TX and two here in DC.

Over the last 7 years living as friends and neighbors, Jenny, Brad, Emma & Coopie-doo have been our family. Jenny's kids are my kids. When I take all four of them somewhere or post a picture of them all on FB, I don't differentiate. I just say they're all "my kids". I'm sure it's very confusing to most people... Brad is my husband's best friend. Actually, I don't think guys say "best friend" but if they did, that's what they'd be: kindred hard-working, nerdy engineer BFFs who love beer and ~~University of Michigan~~ ALL sports. And Brad is like a brother to me - my annoying, much older brother. :)

I don't even lump Jenny into a BFF category. You see, Jenny is my sister.

That's a level way above BFF.

Jenny knew I was pregnant with Henry before hubs as I ran screaming over to her house at 8am with a positive pregnancy test. Charlie slept at her house while I gave birth and when he woke up, she was the one who first told him "You're a big brother!!!" I held her youngest on the very first day he came into the world. Our big kids have been friends since they were small enough to both fit in a pink princess corvette power wheels and now they wear abercrombie sweatshirts and discuss their favorite ipod apps.

Watching babies grow into big kids? That's family.

When we have hair/dentist/doctor appointments, Jenny and I are there to watch each other's children and then have a drink afterwards and swear we are going to go home and then just decide to feed the kids because we still had lots to chat about and then, aw heck, let's call the guys and have a big spontaneous family dinner together!

Staying up late on school nights so we can all eat together? That's family.

Every Easter, we eat ham, mrs. schubert's rolls and cheesy potatoes and then we watch Brad fall asleep on the couch and post pictures of it on social media. Seriously. Every Easter he falls asleep on the couch. And every Easter, I shame him publicly.

Holidays? That's family.

Our seven years together have been so full of so many good things. More than I could ever put in one blog - well, I could. But all of you would definitely stop reading.

So, Jenny, Brad - cheers, good friends!! Cheers to all the Easters, 4ths of July, Halloweens, Thanksgivings and Christmases, Michigan Football games and giant boxes from MDen, date nights in little ol' Beaumont, date nights in the big city of DC, beers from each other's fun fridge without ever having to ask, driveway parties, posing for my photoshoots, crazy children who bicker one minute and run hot laps the next, beach vacations, Nutcracker markets, Yacht Rock concerts, crawfish boils, Nats games, fireworks, birthday parties, The Sunflower Core Four and expanded Six Pack, New York City, San Francisco, New Orleans, Saturday nights in, shared visits with our TX friends, lots and lots and LOTS of shopping, dirty jokes, Christmas prank war, and to all the times we have laughed at each other and with each other. Cheers to our seven years of family.

Allens, you are our people. You are our family. You are who we call in emergencies. You are who we have made traditions with. And if we didn't spend most of our Friday nights going out with you, I'm sure you'd even be willing to watch our kids on a Friday night so Mike and I could make out and sleep in. Right, guys? I know you'd want to do this for us. There's still time. We've got two whole Fridays left. What time should I bring them over?

When I think of the Allens leaving, I feel a bit lost. But, while I'm scared to live without them - I'm going to have to change ALL my emergency contact information, y'all - I can only think of the saying that "it is better to have loved and lost, then to never have loved at all." It seems a bit dramatic - we aren't losing anyone - it's not goodbye, it's see-you-later - but it's true. I'm so sad that there will be a break in our lives together but I am so very grateful for the time we have been given. I wouldn't trade these past seven years for anything.

Let the ugly cry begin.

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